Breaking down the 2018 Sox Giveaways

Today is February 14th and you know what that means. That’s right, pitchers and catchers report to Fort Myers today- even though most of the team has been there for days already. It’s the “official” start to spring training, slightly more exciting than Truck Day since there’s actual baseball things happening. Unfortunately we’ve still got a ways to go until those spring games start rolling in.

There’s not a whole lot to talk about this first week or so of spring training, though believe me, the media tries. It’s good to see everyone back on the field, but not much comes out of this first week story wise.

So I’m going to take the time to talk about a very important subject, one that doesn’t get nearly enough attention. Let’s talk about the Red Sox 2018 promotional games, and rank this seasons giveaways.

Here we go.

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15. Coming in at dead last is the Red Sox “Sock” giveaway. There are only 15 promotional items, and I’d rank this one 50th. This is too easy, Red Sox. First of all socks are the lamest gift you could ever give or receive. How many of us have gotten fuzzy socks in a Secret Santa/Yankee Swap, likely because our gift giver had zero clue what our interests were and figured everyone needs socks? Not to mention I can’t stand when players are referred to as a “Red Sock”. Fenway will be littered with these cheap socks in their plastic bags following this game.

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14. Moving on to an almost equally bad promo. Ah yes, the infamous puzzle cube. Less commonly know as….a Rubik’s cube. I’ve got a lot of issues with this one. The main one being: how could this possibly be Sox themed? Isn’t the entire point of a Rubi- excuse me, “puzzle cube” to make each side a different color? Actually, I might finally be able to solve this cube if the only colors are red and white. Finally, I have a cool and definitely not lame or annoying talent to show off to people at parties.

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13. Up next we have batting gloves. This is listed under the “Kids giveaways” so I won’t even be eligible for these bad boys. I’m actually really glad they made these just for kids. There’s already too many adult hardos wearing Oakleys and Phiten necklaces carrying gloves around trying to rob kids of foul balls, the last thing we need is them equipped with batting gloves.

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12. I’m the biggest JBJ defender there is so this poor ranking has nothing to do with #MyCenterFielder. But come on…the bobble-head game has come way too far to give us such a plain Jane one like this. Where’s the pizazz? Give me JBJ flying over the center field wall while wearing a glove made out of real gold. Then I’ll consider bumping this promo lower on the list.

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11. This promo lost a lot of stock when Benny decided to selfishly chop his flow (RIP). Also, unless this is signed by Benintendi or has been graced by his luscious locks, this is simply a headband. Grade: D-

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10. Did everyone get sick of bobble-heads or something? Are gnomes the new hip thing to collect? I’m not sure I’m all in on it. Also, Vazquez? Interesting move guys. The only thing that makes bobble-heads acceptable and not totally creepy is that their heads shake. Take away the bobble and you’re left with a bizarre figurine, make him a gnome and now things are just getting weird.

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9. Same as above except Devers gets bumped one higher because he’s a jolly little 21 year old stud who hit an inside the park home-run during the ALDS and energized Fenway for about 30 seconds in an otherwise dim and depressing atmosphere.

8. 7. 6. We’ll group these together since they come as a set. And there’s their first flaw, bobble-heads given away as a set means you pretty much have to get all 3. Although I’m confused by this grouping. Maybe they feel like they overplayed the Killer B’s outfield group. Two outfielders and a shortstop just seems like an odd set to me. Also, what’s with the splash? Unless it has to do with the fact these giveaways are sponsored by Coca Cola, I must have missed something.

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5. I’m not exactly sure what this bobble-head is going to look like, but the “K-counter” intrigued me. The Red Sox have beaten “Sale Day” to a pulp so I’m glad they didn’t incorporate that into this promo. I’m also glad this one is early on in the season when Sale is still hot and hasn’t been used and abused so heavily his arm is barely hanging on.

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4. It’s about damn time Wally got the recognition he deserved. I’m in the market for a new pair of headphones. And after seeing these I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing Beats or any other brand. Catch me in the gym with these chunky (probably green) beats by Wally probably getting my ear drums blown out by the poor quality. Sidenote, stop trying to make Tessie happen. Is Wally not enough for you?

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3. It’s Wally’s year. The guy must have said something this off-season because his value has gone WAY up. Kids pillow? That’s cute, I’ll take six.

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2. Alright now we’re talking. I have absolutely NO idea what this is supposed to be? I’m hoping for some Chia pet type deal. When you look at him, Kimbrel is actually the least intimidating looking person on this roster. Take away the beard and you have a smiley ginger who looks like he wants to sell you cookies rather than throw absolute heat and strike out the side.

Screen Shot 2018-02-13 at 10.03.48 PM.png1. THIS is what I’m talking about Red Sox. Completely changing the bobble-head game. For those who don’t remember:

Whoever came up with this giveaway, hit them with a raise. Perhaps $100 mil over 5 years.

 

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